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About Me
I felt like I could save him. I believed I could go quickly from the hospital and find another doctor that was willing to come into the hospital and tell me that he had a different conclusion to Deuce's condition and that we could really save him. I felt so pressured. I had countless hours there at the hospital after the surgery, pleading my case, going back and forth with my husband. I really thought there was someone out there that could give us a different ending. I went over in my head, was it my OWN needs that I was trying to satisfy? Was it denial? Was I being selfish, and feeling it was all about me? Did I just believe the doctors were wrong? I didn't know. Eventually, I came to a solid conclusion. The decision I made turned into a promise that I made to my son... The last time I saw him alive. My first instinct was to apologize to my baby. I didn't want him to suffer the way that he was. I didn't want him to continue being poked in the heels for blood samples six times a day anymore. I didn't want all those IV's and tubes weighing his little body down anymore. The last time I held him as he breathed, I said "I am so sorry. I am going to make sure that I do whatever I can to not have babies go through this..." And I kissed his forehead. After Deuce's passing, I still had so many questions. I wanted answers and I just felt that I didn't get enough of them. I found myself feeling guilty. I went through the phase of wondering all the "what ifs"... What if I didn't do this, and what if I did that instead... It took a little before I realized that I didn't do anything wrong. There clearly was nothing that I could do to prevent the loss of my baby boy at that time... And that was because I was unaware during my entire pregnancy of what could happen. I had two full term babies before Deuce. I assumed the outcome would be the same. When I figured that out, it all made absolute sense. My confused state of mind at the hospital wasn't so confused after all. The promise then resurfaced and was so clear. I said I was going to do whatever I could do to help prevent this from happening to babies. In the hospital, I told my husband and my family that I felt that I was supposed to share Deuce's life, and do a lot of research in order to help other mommies prepare themselves for signs of complications, and to educate on prematurity. That statement was solid. That is what gave me a sense of closure to my decision that it was best to let my Deuce go. My son was STRONG. He was a true fighter.
Pregnancy-Prep-101.com was created from a promise, and in loving memory of our Baby Deuce.
Sincerely, Patrice D. Walker
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